What You’ve Always Wanted to Know About the Zombie Apocalypse…

I was at the bar with a few of my buddies a little a while ago. One, dumb as a post and twice as ugly, asked about the zombie apocalypse and thought, “why the fuck should I talk about that shit? Everyone knows about it.” But, then I realized this guy was an idiot and should be the first to die when the zombies come for him. He wouldn’t be missed. I pray that he never breeds.

Anyway, I asked the other guys who all told me basically the same thing: There is some very important shit they need to know about zombies. So here it is, everything you need to know when the zombies come to eat your brain but never knew.

1-Only us magic folk (Folk) can become a zombie. The flesh-eating kind. The mindless kind is made from mundane humans.  Sorry folks. Also, if you get nom-ed on by a brain-eating zombie, you just die.

2-Rigor does set in. So you’ll have a couple of hours to kill a zombie because it will be unable to move… or I guess you could fuck one if it were a dude. I wouldn’t, but whatever if you’re into that kind of shit.

3-There are no gay zombies. There are also no straight zombies. They’ll eat anyone’s brain they come across. (Hot girl on zombie girl action. Oh wait, that was another post.)

4-Branch clippers won’t work and in fact make the bastards angry. Then the zombies will torture you before they eat your brain.

5-Zombies do spray blood like a pressurized pissing fountain angel.

6-Zombies are like the opposite of vampires. They will lay down and sleep right there, even if they’re eating brains when the sun goes down.

7-I asked a zombie once, and different parts of the brain taste different. I don’t remember what tastes like what, but if you ever meet a brain-eating zombie, you can ask and it’ll tell you… and then you’ll die.

8-You can shoot those fuckers in the face. Won’t help, but you can do it all you want.

9-Ball kicks won’t help. I tried. It makes them really angry. (Understandably)

This list should be able to put your minds at ease. If I forgot something, just ask and I’ll answer.

Oh yeah, you guys wanted a picture. I warn you, chicks have cummed themselves on the spot, but here:



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